Inhale love, exhale hate

So I guess life has been a little rough lately. Things with Jeff and Emma have ultimately led to me sort of doubting my own self worth and my own true self. I've been very teary lately, too. But, I've been doing positive things, like meditating, which have led to tons of self realizations.

For instance, I've had a really hard time lately because I've really missed Sarah. We don't seem as close because we don't talk as much as we used to. And it's fine, really. I really shouldn't be texting in class anyway, you know? But because of all this self doubt I have, it feels a lot worse than it is. I get easily jealous over stupid things, I feel like she doesn't love me, I start to hate myself and it becomes this awful circle of self loathing and then me being clingy. I keep  looking to Sarah to lift me up and just like Kelly said, I ultimately am left disappointed. Because it's not her job, it's mine.

So I meditated earlier and then I journaled about the experience and I've been really choked up and full of what Kelly calls "truth tears" because I came to the realization that all my past relationships ended because of me. My old girlfriends may have cheated on me and dumped me hard, but I probably led them to that.

Because when stuff gets hard, I get clingy. And then when my significant can't lift me up, it causes conflict.

And eventually they get sick of me.

So I guess I've been crying a lot. But I'm glad that I know because it puts a higher stake on things that I already know I have to do, such as "living in the truth of who I am" according to Kelly. I don't need people to tell me I'm kind and loving and nice and hardworking and determined and innovative. I know this about myself. I just need to be able to keep on telling myself what I know to be true.

It's hard but I can do it.

And Sarah, if you read this, I'm so sorry if I've ever put too much on you. But I promise I'm trying. Don't give up on me yet.

Tattoo thoughts

I've been thinking a lot about tattoos lately. And by lately I mean since I got my last one. I think I know what I want. On my hip-bone, like by stomach I think, I want the three stars that are on every page of Harry Potter.

Because if it weren't for Harry Potter, I'd never have gotten into reading like I did. So I have a lot to be thankful for!

Sort of like this!

I Feel Off

I think I'm just trying to adjust to life without Sarah, but I feel off.

I feel like I have no prospects. No meaning of life.

Maybe it's because I haven't taken my pills for a week? lol oops

I just don't feel like anything I'm doing means anything.

I don't know?

I miss Sarah :(

help?

I can't eat.. all I want to do is sleep. Pretty sure I'm losing weight. Shaky. Physically ill.

Just want to tell Emma to go fuck herself

and then go to Wisconsin and fuck my lady

or cuddle

whatever

Welp

I guess this is how I feel: someone who was my best friend a week ago slandered my name behind my back to a few very important people and I do not feel good about that.

So at this point, no, I am not accepting any apology.

Are you kidding?

I'm sick of Emma being so passive aggressive about everything. She goes behind my back and talks shit about me and it's fucking great. She does it to Jeff too and it's just not okay anymore.

Okay yeah, I smoke marijuana. I don't do it every day. I do it on weekends. Friday and Saturday. Not even always both. Sometimes I don't have bud, sometimes not a place to do it, and sometimes it just isn't what I want to do.

But I like it, so I do it. It's certainly not fucking with my life. I am doing well in classes and I like where my life is, for the most part. I have great friendships, a perfect relationship and I get along great with my family.

Not seeing a problem yet.

In fact, let's think about all the things in my life that are worse for me and more addictive than weed. Caffeine, alcohol, high fructose corn syrup. Hell, my fucking anxiety medicine is more addictive than weed. All of those I can abuse more than weed.

So fuck you, people who judge me for my own personal life choices.

I don't need negative people making my life so fucking negative all the damn time. Jesus.

Senior Year

I have a dream for senior year. Sarah moves up here and lives in the house that Heather, Jeff and Courtney and I will probably rent. Her and I get a room together, full of black light posters and a bean bag, with a window so if we want to smoke, we can.

I get up and go to school and she gets up and goes to work and we come home to each other and cook and I do homework and she practices guitar.

We'll make love almost every day.

And it will be perfect because I will be with her.