So I guess life has been a little rough lately. Things with Jeff and Emma have ultimately led to me sort of doubting my own self worth and my own true self. I've been very teary lately, too. But, I've been doing positive things, like meditating, which have led to tons of self realizations.
For instance, I've had a really hard time lately because I've really missed Sarah. We don't seem as close because we don't talk as much as we used to. And it's fine, really. I really shouldn't be texting in class anyway, you know? But because of all this self doubt I have, it feels a lot worse than it is. I get easily jealous over stupid things, I feel like she doesn't love me, I start to hate myself and it becomes this awful circle of self loathing and then me being clingy. I keep looking to Sarah to lift me up and just like Kelly said, I ultimately am left disappointed. Because it's not her job, it's mine.
So I meditated earlier and then I journaled about the experience and I've been really choked up and full of what Kelly calls "truth tears" because I came to the realization that all my past relationships ended because of me. My old girlfriends may have cheated on me and dumped me hard, but I probably led them to that.
Because when stuff gets hard, I get clingy. And then when my significant can't lift me up, it causes conflict.
And eventually they get sick of me.
So I guess I've been crying a lot. But I'm glad that I know because it puts a higher stake on things that I already know I have to do, such as "living in the truth of who I am" according to Kelly. I don't need people to tell me I'm kind and loving and nice and hardworking and determined and innovative. I know this about myself. I just need to be able to keep on telling myself what I know to be true.
It's hard but I can do it.
And Sarah, if you read this, I'm so sorry if I've ever put too much on you. But I promise I'm trying. Don't give up on me yet.
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