Real Changes

My mental health has been really flourishing lately! I can definitely tell that things are getting better. Taking time to do things for myself has been the best decision I've ever made.

I like who I am! I'm to the point where I'm checking myself out in the mirror again, so that's awesome. :P Also, this whole meditating and journaling thing is awesome - but I haven't done it in a few days so oops.

I just purchased something that is supposed to help me stop biting my nails, so that feels really good.

Also, I saw Sarah this past weekend and it was good. I'm still trying to come to terms with the changes and trying to just be ok where we are and it's going sort of all right. I've been better but I've been worse too, so yay progress!

I didn't eat very healthy last weekend, but I'm not even upset about it, so that's actually ok with me. Today, I start up again (and start working out again) and things will be great.

This summer = changing my meds or getting off of them. They clearly do nothing for me, so I need something different. That's my summer goal.

I'm feeling good and I'm noticing real changes. It doesn't happen over night but things are good and ok and I'm happy about that.

Know What You Want

An important thing for me to remember is that if I don't know what I want, I can't make steps to get there. So part of my meditation and journaling is focused on me thinking about what it is that I want from life, relationships, school, work, etc.

Number one on my list is my want to be happy. I want to be happy, not sad. Therefore, I make positive decisions in my life. Also, all my other wants indirectly or directly lead to this. I get what I want by working for it and I am happy.

I want to love my body. For the most part, I do, but there have been times when I've loved it more than I do now. I have tiny love handles that sorta hang over my shorts/pants that I dislike, so I am going to do ab workouts more and target the obliques. My abs in general aren't as good as they have been, so more ab workouts. Also squats to help my thighs. I don't think I'm ugly by any means but I know I can do things to make me more comfortable and happy about my body.

I want to do well academically. So, I know what I have to do. Study. Do homework. Read. Write. Love. Whatever. Just do it.

Jumbled Thoughts

Well things have been going pretty well, I suppose. In some ways I feel like I'm doing damn good and in other ways I feel like I'm duct taping myself together. I'm not sure if that even makes sense?

I'm just trying to be and let be. Things are what they are, you know? I've felt like crying a lot today because my grandma was just diagnosed with terminal liver cancer, and I just feel so bad for Trevor. My mom hates her job and is only staying there because if she does, I still get a discount for school (which I couldn't afford without it). I keep thinking I should transfer to a state school, even though I don't think I'd like it. I just have a huge sense of guilt.

I guess I'm also dealing with wondering what I'm allowed to share these days. I'm worried about becoming a burden. I don't want that for anybody. So I'm keeping a lot in, but my journal and meditating and praying and blogging really help.

I just want peace. I want happiness. I want to feel that same joy I felt 9 months ago.

And I know I'll get there. Things are hard now because the situations I'm in are pretty difficult, I'd say. I mean honestly when I put it all together in one long string of things, I'm not surprised that things have been a little hard. My best friend turned on me, my mom hates her job and stays because of me, my dad hasn't spoken to me since before I last went to WI, I'm in a long distance relationship (which is beautiful but also hard at times), my work load is pretty large at school and at work, my grandma has cancer...the list could keep going.

So I don't think it's unreasonable that life has been hard and that I've really struggled with feeling loved. I really don't think there's anything wrong with that, specially since every single day I'm taking steps to better myself and my situations.

I need reassurance. I need love. I need people who are there for me. I need people who will answer my texts at 1 a.m. and come to my room to sit with me while I cry, or whatever else. Lately, that's really all been in the form of my best friends, and I think that's okay, because at least I have it, right?. I sometimes expect it elsewhere, but maybe that's my mistake. I don't know.

I am happy though. I have a good life that can be hard at times, but I am happy. I have close friends, a close family, a girlfriend, what else do I need, you know?

Sometimes I feel like I need more, but I'm not going to get more so why hope for it? I'm happy where I am. I like my body, and the parts I don't like, I'm working on. I think I'm a great person. I think people are lucky to have me in their life.

Sometimes I just wish other people thought that too, you know? :P

But I'm good. I'm doing well. I'm okay. I'm happy. And just because I need to cry sometimes, doesn't mean I'm not happy. I just have a lot of emotions. Happy, sad, angry, jealous, content, elated feelings. I cry about babies and relationships. I cry about death and life. I cry when I come to realizations.

It's just who I am. And if people can't love me for who I am, fuck them.

Inhale love, exhale hate

So I guess life has been a little rough lately. Things with Jeff and Emma have ultimately led to me sort of doubting my own self worth and my own true self. I've been very teary lately, too. But, I've been doing positive things, like meditating, which have led to tons of self realizations.

For instance, I've had a really hard time lately because I've really missed Sarah. We don't seem as close because we don't talk as much as we used to. And it's fine, really. I really shouldn't be texting in class anyway, you know? But because of all this self doubt I have, it feels a lot worse than it is. I get easily jealous over stupid things, I feel like she doesn't love me, I start to hate myself and it becomes this awful circle of self loathing and then me being clingy. I keep  looking to Sarah to lift me up and just like Kelly said, I ultimately am left disappointed. Because it's not her job, it's mine.

So I meditated earlier and then I journaled about the experience and I've been really choked up and full of what Kelly calls "truth tears" because I came to the realization that all my past relationships ended because of me. My old girlfriends may have cheated on me and dumped me hard, but I probably led them to that.

Because when stuff gets hard, I get clingy. And then when my significant can't lift me up, it causes conflict.

And eventually they get sick of me.

So I guess I've been crying a lot. But I'm glad that I know because it puts a higher stake on things that I already know I have to do, such as "living in the truth of who I am" according to Kelly. I don't need people to tell me I'm kind and loving and nice and hardworking and determined and innovative. I know this about myself. I just need to be able to keep on telling myself what I know to be true.

It's hard but I can do it.

And Sarah, if you read this, I'm so sorry if I've ever put too much on you. But I promise I'm trying. Don't give up on me yet.