Jumbled Thoughts

Well things have been going pretty well, I suppose. In some ways I feel like I'm doing damn good and in other ways I feel like I'm duct taping myself together. I'm not sure if that even makes sense?

I'm just trying to be and let be. Things are what they are, you know? I've felt like crying a lot today because my grandma was just diagnosed with terminal liver cancer, and I just feel so bad for Trevor. My mom hates her job and is only staying there because if she does, I still get a discount for school (which I couldn't afford without it). I keep thinking I should transfer to a state school, even though I don't think I'd like it. I just have a huge sense of guilt.

I guess I'm also dealing with wondering what I'm allowed to share these days. I'm worried about becoming a burden. I don't want that for anybody. So I'm keeping a lot in, but my journal and meditating and praying and blogging really help.

I just want peace. I want happiness. I want to feel that same joy I felt 9 months ago.

And I know I'll get there. Things are hard now because the situations I'm in are pretty difficult, I'd say. I mean honestly when I put it all together in one long string of things, I'm not surprised that things have been a little hard. My best friend turned on me, my mom hates her job and stays because of me, my dad hasn't spoken to me since before I last went to WI, I'm in a long distance relationship (which is beautiful but also hard at times), my work load is pretty large at school and at work, my grandma has cancer...the list could keep going.

So I don't think it's unreasonable that life has been hard and that I've really struggled with feeling loved. I really don't think there's anything wrong with that, specially since every single day I'm taking steps to better myself and my situations.

I need reassurance. I need love. I need people who are there for me. I need people who will answer my texts at 1 a.m. and come to my room to sit with me while I cry, or whatever else. Lately, that's really all been in the form of my best friends, and I think that's okay, because at least I have it, right?. I sometimes expect it elsewhere, but maybe that's my mistake. I don't know.

I am happy though. I have a good life that can be hard at times, but I am happy. I have close friends, a close family, a girlfriend, what else do I need, you know?

Sometimes I feel like I need more, but I'm not going to get more so why hope for it? I'm happy where I am. I like my body, and the parts I don't like, I'm working on. I think I'm a great person. I think people are lucky to have me in their life.

Sometimes I just wish other people thought that too, you know? :P

But I'm good. I'm doing well. I'm okay. I'm happy. And just because I need to cry sometimes, doesn't mean I'm not happy. I just have a lot of emotions. Happy, sad, angry, jealous, content, elated feelings. I cry about babies and relationships. I cry about death and life. I cry when I come to realizations.

It's just who I am. And if people can't love me for who I am, fuck them.