Study Abroad Throughts

So as it turns out, I can't afford as much school as I thought I could. I already need to take an extra $3,000 out in loans just for the regular school year, so I'm worried that I won't be able to afford my May Sem to London.

So here is a pro/con list of going and not going.

Going to London:

Pros

• Takes care of my global credit
• London
• Cheaper than traveling there myself (so I've heard)
• A whole month learning Sociology in LONDON

Cons

• So expensive
• An extra $5,000 in loans
• Losing a month of work (which is about $1,000)
• Money
• Bills
• Loans
• Being away from home for a month (in a foreign country with people I don't really know)

Not going to London:

Pros

• Save lots of money
• Extra month to work to save for college
• could spend that extra month in Wisconsin with Sarah, working and being together
• No jet lag or bad ears from flight

Cons

• No London
• Have to take a global credit somewhere else, which could fuck with my whole plan for graduating with a double major
• None London
• Missing out on London

I guess I just feel left out. Like I'm not important anymore.

Because if anyone who didn't know saw all her social media stuff, they probably wouldn't be able to tell she has a girlfriend. Or wouldn't be able to pick out who the girlfriend is.

I feel kinda like nothing.

But today is probably just a bad day.

And even though she skypes with people who aren't me all the time, and calls lots of people who aren't me beautiful, and talks about everyone under the sun but me... it doesn't matter.

And I need to stop caring about it.

Cos caring just makes me sadder

i guess when she calls other people beautiful, it makes me sad, because she never calls me beautiful anymore.

but i'm trying not to let it get to me

Drowning

I guess I just don't know what to do. I think that's become of staple of how I've felt lately. I think I say that phrase every single day.

And I'm so sick of asking for advice and people telling me to break up with her. That's not what I want. I just want things to be better.

But I'm here crying and alone and wondering why the hell I'm in this fucked up relationship.

But somehow I don't wanna leave.

I just need help.

Real Changes

My mental health has been really flourishing lately! I can definitely tell that things are getting better. Taking time to do things for myself has been the best decision I've ever made.

I like who I am! I'm to the point where I'm checking myself out in the mirror again, so that's awesome. :P Also, this whole meditating and journaling thing is awesome - but I haven't done it in a few days so oops.

I just purchased something that is supposed to help me stop biting my nails, so that feels really good.

Also, I saw Sarah this past weekend and it was good. I'm still trying to come to terms with the changes and trying to just be ok where we are and it's going sort of all right. I've been better but I've been worse too, so yay progress!

I didn't eat very healthy last weekend, but I'm not even upset about it, so that's actually ok with me. Today, I start up again (and start working out again) and things will be great.

This summer = changing my meds or getting off of them. They clearly do nothing for me, so I need something different. That's my summer goal.

I'm feeling good and I'm noticing real changes. It doesn't happen over night but things are good and ok and I'm happy about that.

Know What You Want

An important thing for me to remember is that if I don't know what I want, I can't make steps to get there. So part of my meditation and journaling is focused on me thinking about what it is that I want from life, relationships, school, work, etc.

Number one on my list is my want to be happy. I want to be happy, not sad. Therefore, I make positive decisions in my life. Also, all my other wants indirectly or directly lead to this. I get what I want by working for it and I am happy.

I want to love my body. For the most part, I do, but there have been times when I've loved it more than I do now. I have tiny love handles that sorta hang over my shorts/pants that I dislike, so I am going to do ab workouts more and target the obliques. My abs in general aren't as good as they have been, so more ab workouts. Also squats to help my thighs. I don't think I'm ugly by any means but I know I can do things to make me more comfortable and happy about my body.

I want to do well academically. So, I know what I have to do. Study. Do homework. Read. Write. Love. Whatever. Just do it.

Jumbled Thoughts

Well things have been going pretty well, I suppose. In some ways I feel like I'm doing damn good and in other ways I feel like I'm duct taping myself together. I'm not sure if that even makes sense?

I'm just trying to be and let be. Things are what they are, you know? I've felt like crying a lot today because my grandma was just diagnosed with terminal liver cancer, and I just feel so bad for Trevor. My mom hates her job and is only staying there because if she does, I still get a discount for school (which I couldn't afford without it). I keep thinking I should transfer to a state school, even though I don't think I'd like it. I just have a huge sense of guilt.

I guess I'm also dealing with wondering what I'm allowed to share these days. I'm worried about becoming a burden. I don't want that for anybody. So I'm keeping a lot in, but my journal and meditating and praying and blogging really help.

I just want peace. I want happiness. I want to feel that same joy I felt 9 months ago.

And I know I'll get there. Things are hard now because the situations I'm in are pretty difficult, I'd say. I mean honestly when I put it all together in one long string of things, I'm not surprised that things have been a little hard. My best friend turned on me, my mom hates her job and stays because of me, my dad hasn't spoken to me since before I last went to WI, I'm in a long distance relationship (which is beautiful but also hard at times), my work load is pretty large at school and at work, my grandma has cancer...the list could keep going.

So I don't think it's unreasonable that life has been hard and that I've really struggled with feeling loved. I really don't think there's anything wrong with that, specially since every single day I'm taking steps to better myself and my situations.

I need reassurance. I need love. I need people who are there for me. I need people who will answer my texts at 1 a.m. and come to my room to sit with me while I cry, or whatever else. Lately, that's really all been in the form of my best friends, and I think that's okay, because at least I have it, right?. I sometimes expect it elsewhere, but maybe that's my mistake. I don't know.

I am happy though. I have a good life that can be hard at times, but I am happy. I have close friends, a close family, a girlfriend, what else do I need, you know?

Sometimes I feel like I need more, but I'm not going to get more so why hope for it? I'm happy where I am. I like my body, and the parts I don't like, I'm working on. I think I'm a great person. I think people are lucky to have me in their life.

Sometimes I just wish other people thought that too, you know? :P

But I'm good. I'm doing well. I'm okay. I'm happy. And just because I need to cry sometimes, doesn't mean I'm not happy. I just have a lot of emotions. Happy, sad, angry, jealous, content, elated feelings. I cry about babies and relationships. I cry about death and life. I cry when I come to realizations.

It's just who I am. And if people can't love me for who I am, fuck them.

Inhale love, exhale hate

So I guess life has been a little rough lately. Things with Jeff and Emma have ultimately led to me sort of doubting my own self worth and my own true self. I've been very teary lately, too. But, I've been doing positive things, like meditating, which have led to tons of self realizations.

For instance, I've had a really hard time lately because I've really missed Sarah. We don't seem as close because we don't talk as much as we used to. And it's fine, really. I really shouldn't be texting in class anyway, you know? But because of all this self doubt I have, it feels a lot worse than it is. I get easily jealous over stupid things, I feel like she doesn't love me, I start to hate myself and it becomes this awful circle of self loathing and then me being clingy. I keep  looking to Sarah to lift me up and just like Kelly said, I ultimately am left disappointed. Because it's not her job, it's mine.

So I meditated earlier and then I journaled about the experience and I've been really choked up and full of what Kelly calls "truth tears" because I came to the realization that all my past relationships ended because of me. My old girlfriends may have cheated on me and dumped me hard, but I probably led them to that.

Because when stuff gets hard, I get clingy. And then when my significant can't lift me up, it causes conflict.

And eventually they get sick of me.

So I guess I've been crying a lot. But I'm glad that I know because it puts a higher stake on things that I already know I have to do, such as "living in the truth of who I am" according to Kelly. I don't need people to tell me I'm kind and loving and nice and hardworking and determined and innovative. I know this about myself. I just need to be able to keep on telling myself what I know to be true.

It's hard but I can do it.

And Sarah, if you read this, I'm so sorry if I've ever put too much on you. But I promise I'm trying. Don't give up on me yet.

Tattoo thoughts

I've been thinking a lot about tattoos lately. And by lately I mean since I got my last one. I think I know what I want. On my hip-bone, like by stomach I think, I want the three stars that are on every page of Harry Potter.

Because if it weren't for Harry Potter, I'd never have gotten into reading like I did. So I have a lot to be thankful for!

Sort of like this!

I Feel Off

I think I'm just trying to adjust to life without Sarah, but I feel off.

I feel like I have no prospects. No meaning of life.

Maybe it's because I haven't taken my pills for a week? lol oops

I just don't feel like anything I'm doing means anything.

I don't know?

I miss Sarah :(

help?

I can't eat.. all I want to do is sleep. Pretty sure I'm losing weight. Shaky. Physically ill.

Just want to tell Emma to go fuck herself

and then go to Wisconsin and fuck my lady

or cuddle

whatever

Welp

I guess this is how I feel: someone who was my best friend a week ago slandered my name behind my back to a few very important people and I do not feel good about that.

So at this point, no, I am not accepting any apology.

Are you kidding?

I'm sick of Emma being so passive aggressive about everything. She goes behind my back and talks shit about me and it's fucking great. She does it to Jeff too and it's just not okay anymore.

Okay yeah, I smoke marijuana. I don't do it every day. I do it on weekends. Friday and Saturday. Not even always both. Sometimes I don't have bud, sometimes not a place to do it, and sometimes it just isn't what I want to do.

But I like it, so I do it. It's certainly not fucking with my life. I am doing well in classes and I like where my life is, for the most part. I have great friendships, a perfect relationship and I get along great with my family.

Not seeing a problem yet.

In fact, let's think about all the things in my life that are worse for me and more addictive than weed. Caffeine, alcohol, high fructose corn syrup. Hell, my fucking anxiety medicine is more addictive than weed. All of those I can abuse more than weed.

So fuck you, people who judge me for my own personal life choices.

I don't need negative people making my life so fucking negative all the damn time. Jesus.

Senior Year

I have a dream for senior year. Sarah moves up here and lives in the house that Heather, Jeff and Courtney and I will probably rent. Her and I get a room together, full of black light posters and a bean bag, with a window so if we want to smoke, we can.

I get up and go to school and she gets up and goes to work and we come home to each other and cook and I do homework and she practices guitar.

We'll make love almost every day.

And it will be perfect because I will be with her.

V-Day

Generally, I hateValentines day. It's always just been a reminder of how alone I am.

This year, though, I have a reason to celebrate. And that reason is named Sarah Rose. :)

She's perfect, you know. Like honestly perfect. I dunno what I'd do without her. I'm excited for Valentine's Day this year, because even if we won't be physically together, I know in my heart that she's the one. My one. :)

I love you, Sarah Rose :)

Getting Baked

When people think of stoners, I think they generally think of losers who live in their parents' basements and have no job, no life and no prospects. This, however, is false. In fact, there are tons of misconceptions about weed, which sort of sucks.

One of the biggest, most unfortunate, untruths spread about cannabis is that it is a gateway drug. Statistics prove that the real gateway drug is alcohol, which is legal. In fact, marijuana prohibition is what exposes users to the black market.

Synthetic marijuana is one of those unfortunate alternatives to the herb. It's awful that synthetic weed is legal but the real stuff isn't, because the fake stuff is way worse for you and can kill you.

I smoke a little weed now and then. In fact, I'd smoke more if I had some in my room, but I haven't yet been able to buy any. In addition to smoking, I also go to school, work 3 jobs (and will also be donating plasma soon), get decent grades, talk to my mom every day, keep up friendships and have good relationships with my professors. I also have a girlfriend who is perfect.

A lot of people are that way. It's easy to be a stoner and successful. Look at Barbra Streisand, James Franco, the Beatles and so on.

It's so stupid when people argue that marijuana is illegal because it gets abused so often. So does alcohol. Anything can be abused, and just about anything can be addictive. Caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, high fructose corn syrup and sex are all things proven to be addictive just still legal.

The arguments against pot are dumb. And I wish I had the time to debunk all of them. Maybe I will, some day.

But before you make judgments on a person who smokes pot, maybe do a little research. You'll find that the herb is much safer than a lot of legal things out there.

Deviance is Relative

I've always been considered a deviant. As a kid, I love Tonka trucks, Lisa Frank, Star Wars and Harry Potter. I didn't fit any particular stereotype, and I was cool with that. As I've grown up, it's stayed the same. I'm a homosexual, I'm super liberal, I love to get trashed but I also love to discuss politics, gender, sexuality, religion, values and so much more.

It's funny though. In some settings, I'm a deviant and in some, I conform to the rules, because deviance is relative. While getting stoned is a deviant thing in society, it's certainly not out of the norm for people who smoke, if that makes any sense.

Discussing religion and values maybe is deviant for my age group, but it follows the norms of people at my school.

Remember back in the day when alcohol was illegal in the U.S.? Suddenly, it was considered deviant to take part in something that was so essential to American life. Something that was a norm was suddenly deviant.

But did that stop people from drinking? Fuck no. Speak Easy's were common and there was a huge black market for booze.

That reminds me of marijuana today. It may be against the law, but not for long, I'd wager. It's deviant now, but it won't always be.

The war on weed is definitely the Prohibition of the new millennium.

You're Ready, Right?

Ever since I've gotten back from Wisconsin (about 12 hours ago) every one has said basically the same thing to me. Variations of "I bet you were ready to get home" or "2 weeks got pretty long, didn't it?"

No. It really didn't. Why does everyone think I was itching to get back? Like it was fun to say goodbye to Sarah? It certainly wasn't. I miss her. I love her. She's... I don't even know how to explain how I feel about her. Comfortable, safe, pretty, excited, loved.

The only thing I can think about that I'm excited for is having more bed space to my self. One of us needs to get a bigger bed, seriously. But even with that extra space, I'm still going to have trouble sleeping. I was used to that safe feeling she gave me. I'd wake up and she'd be there, keeping me warm and making sure no monsters got me.

So no. I really wasn't ready to come back.